I thought long ago (I was a child) that tomorrow would answer the question which so often painfully plagued me. I pictured in my day dreams all the ways in which things would be better if I could but solve this one great mystery. To my soul the question still lingers…
“Why am I alone? Why, when there are so many hands do I not have one to hold.” I cannot always separate this inquiry from my own self worth. Could it be me?
I have learned to clip this line which ties my self esteem and worth to success or failure in relationships. It is a better lesson to learn now while no person has become my source of worth. It is a good lesson to learn while I can still invite a person to join me, not save me. That saving has already been accomplished.
I have striven, with much faltering, to set aside my anxiousness. Striven to trust and obey. I have learned truly that waiting on the Lord means patiently and with self control. It does not mean nervously pacing, fearful and tense. This anxiousness is not based upon trust in God but a fear, deep seated, that it may all really be up to me and my qualifications and, that I have already blown it. The God of the Bible is not so foolish as to place something of this magnitude in my hands alone, nor is he so impotent that he cannot work good from my failings.
Understand me, I am not completely at ease with my loneliness. I am never so happy with loneliness that I invite it to take up permanent residence. Yet, I have made a peace with it, signed in tears, so that while here, it might not hinder me. Though I would not now want to share the rest of my life with this spectre…I am not disquieted by its presence, nor am I ready to compromise the truth of my convictions for companionship, no matter how “fun” it may be. I want, and will wait for an arranged marriage by my Father. That is, my Father in heaven.
My comfort in this time, (which may not be a time,) has been slow in coming. It has been a slow, snail slow process of really trusting that God did not drop my application in his haste to fill some other person’s desire. It has been a slow process of trusting that God’s plans are perfect and of learning to enjoy the journey. I am learning to enjoy people, not prospects. It has been a growing confidence not fostered by greater success, but sometimes, by painful defeat. It has been through seeing death and pain in those around me and finding pain myself. It has been here, in the midst of struggle and doubt that I have learned the secret…and… that it is no secret at all. In fact it requires no decoding nor translation.
“This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…” Isa. 30:15
I, who waited to fight any fight for the prize I sought was told…to…be quiet. Be quiet and trust.
God has not forgotten me or you. It is not my strength he seeks but my weakness. My surrender. Not my fight but my obedience. He did not strive so much to find me strong but to give me strength.
So…I am ready now…not to fight, but to obey. I am content now to let Him take care of it all. To be sure, I have my requests in, but they are just that, requests, not demands.
I thought…yesterday, (just yesterday,) that tomorrow may answer the question which so often painfully plagues me. I suppose, tomorrow still may.
Copyright(C)1997 Hudson Russell Davis