Honesty

I have learned that honesty is sometimes its own reward,

often the silent partner of peace,

the herald and chief supporter;

restrained only by fear.

Sadly I cannot say I am fearless.

More often I am a coward.

I don’t believe it is bravery that compels me now—I am just tired.

I am too tired to live one more moment with a fake smile on my face

that I do not feel in my heart.

Too tired to swallow another unkind word

without a simple, quiet, loving, “That hurt.”

I have just worked too hard on being honest,

struggled too long to overcome fear,

pressed too deep into my own soul for the truth of who I am,

to now project just an image—a façade of my real self.

I have known dishonesty

and I have been greatly dishonest.

I have covered, schemed and plotted over my sins.

I am now just tired.

I am too tired to play the game or hide.

There in the shadows where I hid—He found me,

with His blood He covered me

and for His sake, I shall hide no longer.

I am moving out of the shadows

and removing the mask.

I am putting aside the mistrust,

leaning more heavily on The Spirit of God

and now, in boldness, I will live as real and honestly me.

This is me—honestly me—warts and all, sins and all.

I am working towards purity of body, soul, and mind.

I am by no means there yet,

but I died daily to self.

I am afraid I may offend those who cannot bare honesty

and I pray for wisdom, discretion, and gentleness.

Yet…

I have learned the painful way what honesty is.

I curse my maker and deny His love

if I return to the me I want others to see.

This wall must and is coming down however slowly, however painfully.

Please, all I ask, is that you walk lightly

and watch your step.

You see, it has become apparent,

that an open heart wounds more easily.

And while my ambition is to be more boldly honestly who I am,

I am still only human.

Proverbs 16:13 , Proverbs 24:26